I've been contemplating purpose and passion a lot lately. I feel like I've spent the last few years chasing after something I can't catch, reaching for something that isn't there. I miss the idealistic passion of my youth. My father told me once that such idealistic dreams and ideals can't last. I don't think he meant to be disheartening; he was warning me perhaps. I think I knew the truth of his words even then though I chose to hold on to my naivety as long as possible. I miss the drive and focus of having an impossible goal.
In six weeks I drove over six thousand miles with no destination, no plan day to day. I cherished the days of open road and my own company, my own thoughts and the time to work through them. That serenity seems so far away already, disappearing into the well of memory. And yet I won't lie to myself and pretend I was completely content on those empty roads. If I had been, I wouldn't be back in Bozeman now. The problem is that I am not content here either. If it wasn't for my crazy bridge jumping friends, beers with the boss, and my slackline I'd probably be climbing walls by now. There is a plane trip in my horizon, and that is my happy thought these days when I start dwelling on my confinement. I'll be spending a week in Hawaii soon, and I'm daydreaming about sand between my toes and sun and ocean and the comfort of insignificance at
Twice lately I've related my feelings of frustration at my unreached and unknown goals to friends. Unsurprisingly they gave similar advice. "Why can't this be what you are doing with your life?" He was referring to my researcher-by-day, photographer-in-my-spare-time routine. Perhaps he is right. I still find myself searching for something more however. I feel like the main character in a fantasy novel right before he finds out magic/vampires/time-travel/etc is real and that the world really is as amazing as he always wanted it to be. I think I read books like this because I'm jealous of the purpose, the quests, the characters always have.
For some reason I always feel like I have to run away to find my goals. The highway looks so tempting some days and I've taken to looking up plane tickets to random destinations simply to remind myself that I'm always only a plane ticket away from an adventure.
"If I am lost for a day; try to find me
But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me
All of the things that I thought were so easy
Just got harder and harder each day"
- Stars - calendar girl
